Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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