life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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