Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
