i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
