The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
