i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
