have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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