just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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