I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
