im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
