We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
