We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
