He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
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