omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
