i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
