you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
