i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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