I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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