remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Randomize
