Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven