If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
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My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
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He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
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