Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.