why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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