listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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