If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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