just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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