Can Purell be used as lube?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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