I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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