opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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