john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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