I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
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U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
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I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
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