dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Randomize
