can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize
