Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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