saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
