NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
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Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
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Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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