Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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