He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
