I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...