What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10