I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
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