My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
