Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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