i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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