can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
