I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
