you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
