I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
