3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
