My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
