im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
