So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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