mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
