my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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