I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
