Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
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seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
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How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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