Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
