you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
