Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this must be what syphilis tastes like
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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