if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
