I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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