So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
