Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
