my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
