I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
