I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
